Ikanaide (Don’t Go)

I’ve been really tired lately.

A combination of too much self-reflection and overload of stress is quite literally killing me right now. I feel that in the past year, I’ve gone from:

  1. Knowing that I’m depressed, and trying to get better
  2. Knowing that I’m depressed, and not caring about it anymore because who cares about this piece of shit, right?

I don’t even know where I messed up. I don’t know what went wrong.

Is this because I’m still in denial that childhood mental and physical abuse really fucked me up?
Why must I punish myself after enjoying a nice day with friends? Why do I believe that I don’t deserve happiness?

Why am I forcing myself to relive the past everyday instead of accepting it?

I think if someone were to offer me a pill, and tell me that this pill will allow me to sleep forever, I’d take it. If it’s 100% effective, I’d do it. I’m so tired.

All I want to do is just snuggle up with someone in my bed and sleep for half a day or something. See, I’m a sucker for physical affection because I didn’t get much of that, so whatever I can get from my friends (hugs, sitting next to each other, arms around our shoulders, etc.), I’ll gladly take it.

I’m just so insanely happy that there are people who care about me. 10 years ago, I thought I’d be alone for most of my life (my parents worked long shifts so I pretty much only saw them in the mornings and weekends). Now, I’m definitely not alone. 10 years from now, I hope I’m not alone.

Don’t leave. Please.


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