I had an argument with my mom (again), and before you say, “How unhealthy!” or “How disrespectful!”, hear me out first.
My parents are not perfect like most parents, and an issue that I’ve had with them is communication. No talk, no truths, only perceptions. It can be really dangerous, especially things that pertains to my future, my decisions, etc. etc.
Don’t get me wrong: they’re not bad parents. They tried, and they get full credit for trying. In their 20-year long assignment to raise me, I would personally like to believe that they tried very hard, and that’s what matters to me. I think that if I really hated them, I wouldn’t have sat through an 11-hour car ride home. I honestly wouldn’t have.
Back to the issue: communication.
We talk about very boring things: school, people, food. We definitely talk a lot; I call her at least once per few days or less, and every phone call can easily end up to be an hour long. We also message constantly, so I confidently say that we keep in touch.
My mom has a bad habit of believing that she shoulders the blunt of everything bad in this world, and yes, overrate herself in other’s achievements. I do the opposite; I automatically assume that I’m the cause of everything bad, and I tend to never take credit for most things (is…is it alright for me to take credit??), and I’m often told that I apologize too often.
…This isn’t the best combination, really.
“I’m doing this for you.” “I just want the best for you.” “I believed it was the best decision.”
She’s got a whole arsenal of excuses, and that’s the thing that gets to me, you know? Not apologizing.
Apologies are important to me, because very few people I’ve met actually think they’re capable of mistakes. (If you’re human and alive, then yes, you are capable of mistakes.) But more importantly, apologies tell me that you now believe that your words (or actions) could’ve been phrased differently, or that you were just simply rude, that you were wrong.
My mom rarely apologizes because she believed that she did everything right, that all the problems and complications originate from my side, but problems are rarely ever one-sided.
Summary: I snapped at her yesterday for accusing me of not studying, even though she didn’t even bother to ask me about what I was doing on the computer, and with 8 weeks of carefullyO built stress, she beautifully caused my sanity to crumble for a few moments, when I went into holy-shit-back-the-fuck-off-please-mode.
Argument: School, stress, future (what’cha gonna do? I DON’T KNOW), homework, grades, lets compare our pessimism, etc. etc. (I actually won’t go into details at the moment because I honestly sobbed my freaking heart out and yes, I’m really tired after so many hours of homework at starbucks today.)
- My mom actually doesn’t care a lot about my grades. She just wants me to graduate.
- She’s totally fine with out-of-state graduate school if it comes to that.
- SHE’S ACTUALLY BACKED OFF ON THE “DOCTOR, HOUSE, 100K SALARY” PLAN.
- She’s starting to realize how broken I am on the inside.
- She can actually say that my dad is shit at encouragement. (Today: “You should give up on the med path, you can’t do it.” Oh, gee, thanks. Well then.)
- She’s starting to understand how shitty college is.
Oh yeah, I apologized for my shitty behavior. (I’m always a piece of shit–“AMY STOP SAYING THAT”–oh shit)
And we proceeded to bond through Snapchat and multiple cat sounds app. Oh, and we also worked out a wrong math issue (in which someone managed to get $51 from $50, was absolutely idiotic).
Life is not perfect. Our words and voices are sometimes streaked with tears and unheard sighs of regret. Occasionally, our hearts will freeze and colors will fade, yet time will not stop. The world lives on, ignorant of our sufferings at the moment, because it knows with certainty that better days will come.