Status

Getting help *sweats nervously*

I’m in an intro to Java class, and my friend from HS who took this class last year is now a tutor, and today, after staring blankly at a piece of code for a while, my partner and I decided to quit because we weren’t going anywhere. (We’re also really tired and terribly hungry…) Before we gave up though, I messaged my friend from HS for help, and unfortunately, I didn’t see his reply until my partner and I parted ways. But I decided to meet up with my friend anyways, because hey, if he’s willing to, I should really take advantage of the small frame of “free” time he has.

And thus a most productive two hours began, and I have more than just a few things to take away from it.

  1. First, he’s a really, really good teacher and I’m sad I never introduced him to Kumon (lol). I think he would’ve been loved by the kids, with the kind of patience he had with me today.
  2. I still have anxiety. I need help, yet I’m reluctant to get it because I’ll be judged by my usually terrible answers and also, I don’t want to be more of a disappointment than I am already, though he said a few times that he wouldn’t judge my answers, but… yeah, yeah? (Oh hey mom, sorry about your daughter being strange and not as intelligent as you wanted her to be. Oops.)
  3. People like my friend are fucking amazing. Period. He reminded me of another friend, Natalie, who’s also extremely intelligent and humble and amazing and just, I don’t know, brilliant? I’m running out of words for amazing… but it made me a bit sad at first because I was looking at my friend and a random thought of “I’m thankful yet sorry he has to use precious time on me” zoomed right by, and that really made me even more disappointed in myself. Sigh. But they motivate me to be better, because after talking with them, I actually feel like I can do something, not just sitting there being stupid all the time.

For most people, skills and abilities were not things they were born with. Many of us have to work hard, or even harder than most people to be good at what we do, and looking at my friends always gives me this huge surge of motivation to try.

But at this point, I think it’s time for me to start asking for help for asking for help, because if I’m afraid to voice my questions, then perhaps the true question is: do I even need a voice?

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