“Count your blessings not your flaws”

“King” by Lauren Aquilina

You’re alone, you’re on your own, so what?
Have you gone blind?
Have you forgotten what you have and what is yours?
Glass half empty, glass half full
Well either way you won’t be going thirsty
Count your blessings not your flaws

You’ve got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There’s so much more
You can reclaim your crown
You’re in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be king again

You don’t get what all this is about
You’re too wrapped up in your self doubt
You’ve got that young blood, set it free

You’ve got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There’s so much more
You can reclaim your crown
You’re in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be king again

There’s method in my madness
There’s no logic in your sadness
You don’t gain a single thing from misery
Take it from me

You’ve got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There’s so much more
You can reclaim your crown
You’re in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be king

You’ve got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There’s so much more
You can reclaim your crown
You’re in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be king again

Goal for this summer: go to a secluded part of Ocean Beach and cry my heart out while listening to this song. I need my heart to understand this, to stop reminding me of every error I’ve made, tiny or serious, that I can move on, that my mistakes helped shape me, and I need to stop treating them as if they’ve made me into something horrible.

Two weeks ago, I saw my therapist and the greatest piece of advice she gave me was to “let it go.” 

For reasons I can’t even understand, I always think that I’m not worthy to be here. As if my mistakes made me “less,” and that the world is unfortunate to have me here. I sometimes think, that perhaps I was mistake. Not in the sense that I wasn’t meant to be born by my parents, but that this combination of whatever that makes me who I am, was a mistake. With that belief, it gets worse when people tell me that they actually expect something out of me, because I always think why. Why would you expect something from me? I am the last person you should ever believe in! I am defined by “can not”s and “should not”s. 

But I can. I’ve got a (somewhat) healthy body, four limbs, good eyesight, good hearing, a clear voice… What’s stopping me?

It’s not easy to believe. 

It’s terrifying. 

Some days, I believe in my capabilities and the infinite possibles of the future, but there are days when I think, is it alright for me to think like this?

(Brother, I don’t think I can stop saying sorry, although I’ll try my best to avoid saying it when unnecessary.)

I guess that’s why it’d be hard for anyone to fall in love with me, when I can’t even fall in love with myself. To some people, I probably come off as annoying and attention-seeking. On some days, I do wonder why my friends put up with all the crap I am, and then on rare occasions, I wonder when they’re going to turn around and tell me they’re leaving. They’re awesome, my friends and family, for putting up with me. I am a five pound bag of doubt, craziness, etc. etc. I wouldn’t put up with me if I weren’t me. 

(But on the note of falling in love, I do think I can, but I don’t doubt that there’s very, very few people who’d want me, and that’s fine. Life isn’t all about finding a partner and creating a family; there’s countless other experiences waiting for me, and you.)

If there’s one person I’d like to fall in love with, it’s myself. I want to love my mistakes, my failures, my insecurity, my strengths… I want to love who I am, and even if the whole world became my enemy, I’d love and believe in myself.

Realistically, I’ll never stop doubting myself. I’ll never stop feeling worthless and believing that I don’t deserve a lot of things… But if there are more days when I can love myself, and smile happily, then I think that’d be good enough.

If I can be happy more than I am sad, if I can come to love myself more…that’d be a good life.

Lyrics: Source

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