Healthy and addicting, now upgraded from small to regular doses.
This is a really random post, but I’d like to talk about some of my feelings recently.
When I applied to my current school, I was a Physics with Specialization in Materials Science major, but since then, I’ve changed it to Physiology and Neuroscience, which I thought was perfect for me, strange and bio-related.
Not even two quarters later, I can see how wrong I was.
I’ve always wanted to do something medical-related since I was sick quite a few times, nearly died when I was three, and got into some really bad accidents over the years. Some people think it’s because my parents want me to be a doctor, but it really isn’t. I nearly died when I was three, and if it wasn’t for my uncle’s medical experience, I would’ve died because only he had any idea what medicine to give me. (I was a rare case back in the 1990s, alright?)
I am so, so wrong, and I can only cry to myself as I think, why, why didn’t I know this earlier?
I can’t do medical. I can’t. I’ve been taking a biology class for a few weeks now, and to be honest, I hate it. It’s not a bad subject, but the material doesn’t settle with me. It’s painful, and I don’t want to tell myself that I’ll be alright like this, because I won’t.
At the same time, I feel like this biology class isn’t what I really want to study, and until I overcome this barrier, nothing will work out. (But then again, I’m terrified of overcoming the barrier, and then finding out that it still wouldn’t work anyways.)
On the other hand, I really like chemistry. It’s amazing, because you can figure out so much with it, and you can’t google everything. That was a point my roommate brought up, and I will shamelessly steal it from here. (Sorry, bro.)
I’m just so confused, and so many troubles…
There’s one thing I will admit: I’m still terrified of the expectations that people have for me.
I just want them to know that I’m just me, please don’t make me into something else.
I’m scared that my parents will reject me if I tell them that I’d be happy to part-time for an aquarium and live in a small apartment, that I could private tutor all my life and be satisfied with very little, that I want to be free.
I wonder if this something I have to come to terms with myself. Am I just so weak to not be able to get the things that I truly want?
Can’t I be happy?
Sigh. My good friend once asked me why can’t we just not be humans, and for reasons I don’t know, I’ve never been able to get that out of my head.
Everything is so confusing, I just want to melt and fade into nothingness. Ah, being a jellyfish would be nice.
Give me a break; I just speed watched 10 episodes in about three hours.