A new season, a look on the past few months. (Trigger warning)

I’d like to be able to say that in a way, I’ve changed. I’ve become quieter and I keep a lot of my opinions to myself now. It’s not that I insulted other or anything; when others stop listening to my opinions, I find it unnecessary to waste my time trying to give advice.

Today, I was scrolling through a social network when an acquaintance of mine said that she was terrified of getting scoliosis during college because of the number of books she’ll have to carry around. I had already typed out a response to tell her not to worry about “getting” scoliosis from carrying a few books around because that’s pretty much impossible, but I thought twice and just hit the backspace key.

It wasn’t because I didn’t want to tell her the facts, but I had a feeling that even if I told her, she wouldn’t care and in a few minutes, my reply would just be a thing of the past. (But seriously, do check up on your facts before you post something like that. You don’t get scoliosis from carrying too many books; you can get scoliosis from hurting your spine because you carried too many books. But what are the chances? I have a great friend and she carried around this terribly heavy backpack during high school and she is fine.)

When my coworker complained to me about other coworkers or our kids, I just smiled and nodded. Nothing else.

Words hold great powers but if misused, can wreck terrible damage. In a way, words are like humans. Think Harry Potter and Voldemort.

Something I feel like I should talk about here is my “dark” age, from about seventh grade and while I’d like to say “and gradually fading away towards the end of high school,” these things never disappear. They might coward under my new experiences and warm friends, but they linger, in an empty corner of peoples minds.

And here I must warn you: things might be a trigger for some, so read with caution.

I really don’t think I’d ever want to disappear, again. The feeling of falling, watching the clouds pass by, knowing that at that moment, physically and mentally, you’re alone. But I think I can understand why some believe it to be “liberating”; imagining it, it really does seem like all your burdens just fly away and finally, it’s just you. No fake smiling outer shell, no acting brave because you’re expected to be, nothing.

I think that while I may have a fear of heights, I would like to try skydiving sometime. In those brief minutes, I can pretend that I have wings, flying freely in the sky, never having to land again.

Going mental, I’m telling you.

End of trigger.

But as move-in day for college nears, I think about my family and my friends and how we’ll all change. Will we walk our own ways, greeting each other occasionally through FaceBook or will some of us be able to stick together?

Whatever my friends choose to do, I wish with all my heart that they will find daily fragments of happiness on their journeys and be able to meet the people that complete them.

And for those who wish to take a break, this slow turtle is more than happy to provide some space and time for anyone who need or want it.


2 thoughts on “Changes

  1. Anonymous says:

    AKARIIII!!! ALWAYS BE MY FRIEND OKAY? *sob, sob. On another note, I agree with what you said about words. The smallest misunderstanding can cause people to hurt in ways the speaker never intended. As for disappearing… well… it’s like what kitsune-dou said: you two should have a badge that says, “I survived damn near everything.” Sometimes it takes so much more work to continue living than you think it does to just give up. I’ve been there too. We all have at some point, in my personal opinion. And you’re right, the darkness never completely goes away once it first worms its way inside. I guess that is a kind of .. strength or iron-will, to acknowledge that darkness and still be able to push on, moving forward without letting your past drag you down. I really respect you and Kitsune-dou for that. Don’t ever let anyone or anything drag you down, okay? even when you feel like you’re all alone, we’re all just a phone call away. :D Last thing: that backpack quip wasn’t about me, was it?

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