2016 – Farewell

This blog has been amazing for me. I look back at the things I wrote about and I’m constantly amazed by how much I have changed, and I sincerely hope that I can keep a positive attitude about change; accepting that there are things that I cannot change is perhaps also a change? Haha!

But wow, more than 4 years on this? And if I count my blogger days…nearly 7 years of blogging, and I’m happy to say that at least this blog has served its purpose. I don’t doubt that I’ll create another blog, but it’ll be a more focused one, instead of this boiling pot of everything.

I’ve been using blank notebooks that I received from my secret santa, and I absolutely love them. They double as a journal and planner, so I’ve been documenting everything in there, taping receipt stubs and other interesting things to the back of the pages.

I think I’ll be alright now.

If I ever have strong doubts about myself again, I’ll know where to look for help this time. Keeping everything to myself would  be self-destructive, and I’ve put in a lot of effort this year to understand myself. (Though something from only 3 months ago can still make me cringe. What was I thinking?!)

But yeah, I’m done. I’ve moved on. Life is fine, I’ll deal with whatever comes at me with the strength I’ve gained.

See you around.


Writing letters + getting letters = happiness for days

As many of you might know, I love writing letters. In an era where communication can be instant, I prefer writing letters, or “snail mail” as I sometimes call it.

Surprise, surprise, I actually get more than just advertisements and bills in the mail, and the joy of getting a letter is truly unique, from the moment you spot it in your mailbox to reading the last word in the letter.

(This is sort of a response post to my friend’s post about letters and picking stationary, haha.)

Unfortunately, I can’t afford the high class stationary that I’d love to write with, but I’ve found some really unique pieces of stationary to use.

Mailblok – It’s essentially a notepad that can be folded into an envelope, so it’s the letter + envelope! That way, you don’t have to spend extra to buy plain white envelopes, and because there are two sections that you must fold in to seal the whole letter, there’s lots of writing space. I’ve also run out of writing space before, so I write on extra pages and then fold them into the letter. There are three wings in the third part of the pages: two for the sides and one traditional rounded triangle one to properly seal the letter off. You can always use some washi tape to provide extra security to your letter, but since there’s already some adhesive one the wings, you can just get some water to seal it off, which is usually what I do.

$8 for 50 pages – not bad!

Rating: 7/10 – Very creative, but unless you have extra stationary for extra space, it’s limiting, and if the factory doesn’t put the adhesive/glue on properly, you might end up with too much or too little on one wing.

Kokuyo B5 Pad – Fancy. The texture of the paper is unique, and doesn’t bleed much with my fountain pens. I consider Kokuyo to be the lower tier of fancy stationary and such (they are the makers of the very popular campus notebooks in Japan), but it’s very nice to write on.

-price unknown- – I bought mine directly shipped from Japan in a store, so I don’t remember how much I paid for it. You are able to purchase it through the Kokuyo store (I believe), but they didn’t show me the price in my cart.

Rating: 7/10 – Price was definitely not cheap, lines are more wide-ruled than college-ruled, which doesn’t match my small handwriting. Quality of paper is good, and I haven’t noticed any printing issues with mine.

Rilakkuma mini-envelope set – I wish they gave you more envelopes for the note pads, but that’s not something I care too much about. I try to use it for simple conversations, because it feels really weird to have serious conversations on stationary with strawberries and hearts..

$7.49 – 40 sheets with 20 envelopes

Rating: 6/10 – Their envelopes are really small, so you’re pretty much limited to using their pages. Designs are cute, but…well, 2much4me sometimes. Paper quality is solid, but no adhesive for the flap, and letter design is Japanese, so when I stick a stamp on the top right corner, you can still see a huge part that’s meant for a Japanese area code. Also, please label the sendee and sender. I’ve had a letter returned to me because I didn’t label “to” and “for.” Your local post office may not be used to such a design, and even though it’s somewhat obvious that the larger space in which you put an address is the forwarding address, they probably don’t want to risk anything.

Aside from that, I use a few other Asia-limited notepads from Kokuyo, which are 3/10 due to their paper designs (there are designs on the paper that will catch onto pens and fountain pens – took forever to clean them!). I’ve just ordered an airmail letter pad with matching envelopes from Jetpens, but I haven’t had the chance to use them yet, so we’ll see how that goes!


2015 Japan Trip failed, aiming for another year

I just really haven’t been active on this blog at all – which really was a good thing, because it meant that I didn’t need help with life, and that the support I receive from my family and friends were sufficient. However, I wished I had at least written updates, because life was really interesting in June.

I had a little incident in June when I had to pull out of a group that was planning to go to Japan.

Key: Friend (A) = girl, Friend (B) + (C) = male

Originally the trip included only me and friends B+C, but because my mom would only let me go if there was another girl going with me, we managed to get friend A to join the group. I was then notified that friend B would be purchasing plane tickets for A+C, which I was originally fine with (because I didn’t think much about why, and I admit that was my first mistake). C discloses to me that apparently there was a discount involved, and according to company policies, B’s father could only cover for C+A. I’d say that was the changing point. I was originally fine with B covering A+C because I assumed there was some kind of limitation, or 4 tickets would be too much to have one family purchase them.

Initially, I was just panicky and sad because I was only looking at small details, but the days passed, and I began to get progressively disappointed. Why wasn’t B truthful about this from the beginning? Why did C disclose that to me only because he felt slightly unsure about the huge discount? Why hasn’t B confronted me about this yet?

My biggest mistake in all this was thinking too much about how happy the trip would be and trying to brush off all these problems when in reality, I knew deep down somewhere that it wouldn’t work out because I wouldn’t be able to trust them. My second mistake was actually telling C that I was okay with it, even when I felt unsure. It would’ve made pulling out so much easier. (Although I should note that it’s absolutely fine for me to change my mind, and C would’ve been dissatisfied either way though, just because I was saying no.)

Then C tells me that friend D (also male) would be joining the group, and at first I was okay with it, which was what I told C. But the more I thought about it, the more uneasy I felt. In this group, the person I know best is A > C(only started knowing four/five months ago) > B(friendly, but rarely speak to) > D(spoken to two times?).

I felt really out of place.

I wish I just told B+C very simply that I was pulling out of the group.

I thought about it a lot, and “No, thank you” is a complete sentence. I didn’t need to give them reasons; no one had purchased plane tickets or lodging, hadn’t even planned an itinerary. Why did I feel I needed to justify my decision?

As one friend pointed out: inferiority complex. I need to have some more respect for myself, honestly. I didn’t need to say more than that, yet I did. Not that not giving reasons would’ve made the pulling out any easier, but I should’ve held more respect for myself.

I’ll try to organize the trip again, but with different people. If it works out, then everything’s good. If it doesn’t work out due to another miscommunication/disclosure/pressure problem, the issue might be me.


Ikanaide (Don’t Go)

I’ve been really tired lately.

A combination of too much self-reflection and overload of stress is quite literally killing me right now. I feel that in the past year, I’ve gone from:

  1. Knowing that I’m depressed, and trying to get better
  2. Knowing that I’m depressed, and not caring about it anymore because who cares about this piece of shit, right?

I don’t even know where I messed up. I don’t know what went wrong.

Is this because I’m still in denial that childhood mental and physical abuse really fucked me up?
Why must I punish myself after enjoying a nice day with friends? Why do I believe that I don’t deserve happiness?

Why am I forcing myself to relive the past everyday instead of accepting it?

I think if someone were to offer me a pill, and tell me that this pill will allow me to sleep forever, I’d take it. If it’s 100% effective, I’d do it. I’m so tired.

All I want to do is just snuggle up with someone in my bed and sleep for half a day or something. See, I’m a sucker for physical affection because I didn’t get much of that, so whatever I can get from my friends (hugs, sitting next to each other, arms around our shoulders, etc.), I’ll gladly take it.

I’m just so insanely happy that there are people who care about me. 10 years ago, I thought I’d be alone for most of my life (my parents worked long shifts so I pretty much only saw them in the mornings and weekends). Now, I’m definitely not alone. 10 years from now, I hope I’m not alone.

Don’t leave. Please.

Goodbye, my 3TB external hard drive…I miss you lots

My Seagate 3TB was accidentally disconnected on Sunday night as I was watching Game of Thrones, and since then, it’s went from “Seagate Backup” to “Local Drive,” and no amount of work on my part has gotten me access to the drive. I tried looking for quotes from data recovery places, but honestly, I didn’t lose anything that I’d miss for the rest of my life. It was mostly torrented anime/shows, soundtrack collections, homework, pictures.

What I really miss:

– my family pictures that I scanned
– my work from high school and middle school
– all the time I spent torrenting those files…I built huge collections, DETECTIVE CONAN WAS LIKE 500GB

Am I sad? OF COURSE. Am I getting over it? Absolutely. I’m already looking at a passport drive to buy, and uh, maybe buy two even, because you can never be too sure.

RIP Seagate 3TB 4/6/2015

Maybe one day it'll work again...

Maybe one day it’ll work again…

Depression – security blanket gone wrong

Who can get depressed? Anybody. Anytime. Anywhere. For no reason, even.

I think of it this way:

Depression to me is like a security blanket. It’s warm, it’s comfy, and I start to drag it everywhere. I don’t notice the wear and tear at first, but when I look down, the blanket has dark patches here and there, and the ends are ragged. I’m unhappy, but because it’s still a bit warm, I continue to hold it tight against myself.

But after a while, I’m really bothered by how dirty and torn the blanket is, and as I attempt to take it off, I look at the people around me, and I’m suddenly embarrassed and scared that maybe, just maybe, I’m just as dirty underneath the blanket. The uncertainty grows stronger day after day, and even when the blanket is wet, stinky, and absolutely flithy, I don’t want to take it off, because what if what’s under is even dirtier?

The problem is that I don’t know how to take care of myself or my blanket, and that’s what I have to learn. I can, and will be dirty, but I don’t have to stay that way. Getting dirty is natural, it shouldn’t be something that I’m afraid of. I don’t have to look at other people and compare myself to them, I am who I am.

I can take showers, I can wash the blanket, other people don’t matter – I need to believe in these things.

Depression can visit, but can’t stay.

Progress (?)

I am slightly scared, but mostly at peace with myself at the moment.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things: friendships, quality of my relationships with other people, my future, the present…

To be completely honest, I can’t see myself not being slightly depressed for the rest of my life. I don’t think that element’s going to change, and I think it’s fine to be that way too, you know? Things don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be happy all the time.

One thing that still bothered me for a while was something that a former roommate said to me, that I always made myself to be the victim in any situation.

Only recently have I been able to tell myself firmly that that’s not true. For a long time, I was really terrified. Is this who I really am? Someone who takes advantage of and twists a situation to my benefit by making myself to be the victim? Do I want the pity that people give me?

I am finally able to tell myself that no, I dislike pity (receiving or giving), and it’s absolutely stupid for me to believe that I “make” myself to be the victim in certain situations. I thought about it even more, and it sounded even more disgusting to me. because if I had actually believed that I was “pretending” to be the victim while I was actually suffering from something, then my problems would’ve gone unnoticed. I wouldn’t be able to be treated. It’s essentially the same as having migraines and complaining about that to someone, and being told that it’s just all “in my head” and I shouldn’t use that as an excuse to get out of events and stuff.

I’m also starting to reevaluate the relationships I hold, and starting to see that I can take a step back in some of them. I shouldn’t be telling this person that much if I don’t really trust this person, or if I feel that I’m giving (telling him/her my problems, issues, etc.) too much, I’m going to say less, because well, it’s not that they can’t help with my problems, it’s just that they don’t even know where to being processing the problem and every time I end up with a lot of general advice that I just get really tired of hearing.


Not fun.

And I love that face so much.


Getting rid of addictions

I am 150% addicted to the internet, and I’m finally taking baby steps to remedy that.

Things that are ruining my life:

  • Reddit
  • Tumblr
  • Youtube (hours and hours of video watching…)

It doesn’t seem bad, right? But I now spend about 1~2 hours on Reddit everyday, and if you think about it, that means that I’m spending 14 hours on that god forsaken site every week. 14 hours.

Finally installed Rescue Time after over 2 years of inactivity…It’s really sad how a lot of the functions that were present when I used it are categorized under “premium services” now…I could benefit from some of the old options that were free, and I’m definitely not going to pay $72 per year for those services.

I’m getting in the habit of making schedules, and it’s amazing how just making schedules has changed me. Yeah, sure, I don’t follow them 70% of the time, but I’m now in the habit of making schedules, and so even when I’m not following them, I’m always aware of what I could be doing, and the result is a breaking point: I need to fucking get my shit together.

I need to grow out of this drama queen stage…

Real time: pounding migraine

It’s 4:32am, I’m on my bed after finishing pasta and three episodes of coffee price with my suitemate. For the past four hours, a small headache developed into a pounding, dizzy migraine, and before I sleep, I have to say that I REALLY HATE MIGRAINES AND AT THE MOMENT, I WISH I COULD DIE IN MY SLEEP SO I WON’T EXPERIENCE THIS AGAIN.

I said less saying, but ugh, FUCK THIS!


Another year, 今年もよろしくお願いします

I know it’s not a special day, but today is the anniversary of my site registration, so I thought I’d make a post. I mean, what made me want to register for a random site name anyways?

But first, play this video to go along with the post!

I’m not a daily (or even weekly) blogger, but when I did make a post, I made sure the post was filled with information or interesting thoughts I had. For a while, my blog became a secret base for me; only I knew about it, and no one would ever find me here. It was (still is) a place where I could be who I was, let all my inner frustrations out.

I also wanted to put my life into words for myself to look back upon. It’s absolutely embarrassing, but I can’t help but appreciate the changes that I’ve seen.

When I made the site registration, I felt more real on the internet, that yes, I do exist. It’s really strange and confusing and I definitely think that a lot of people will think that’s silly, but for the me who was alone, being able to type melchama.com and be redirected here gave me a swell of pride and satisfaction.

It was at least one thing I could call mine.

(No, don’t tell me how it’s actually not mine because Reddit did a very good job of that already, and ugh, figuratively!!)